Domestic Violence and the Holidays

The holiday season is a time loaded with family tradition. This can be a very joyous fact, or a very difficult one. We all know that one holiday season can be filled with joy and excitement while just one year later a change in health, finances, or family circumstances can make the exact same personal and familial rituals seem very sad. When a family experiences change due to domestic or “intimate partner” violence, it can make for a difficult holiday season.

Families or individuals who come to The Next Step Domestic Violence Project during the holidays may be facing a hard season due to the following events:

Though often suffering abuse for years, the adult victim has set boundaries during the past year which are felt very sharply during the holiday season. For instance, there may be a protection from abuse order in effect which extended family did not even notice until they face making holiday plans which do not include the defendant on the order. They may experience guilt and/or pressure from this person, which they may unintentionally pass on to the adult victim or the kids.

After the parents of common children split up due to domestic violence, custody of children may be very fraught with conflict or still up in the air and confusing. Making holiday plans is twice as stressful as it is for families not facing this issue (and every family seems to find it stressful enough!). The primary custody of the children could even have been awarded to the controlling parent during the past year. In this case the other parent feels the sharp pain of separation from children during holidays.

The finances and living circumstance of one or both parents may be very different than they have been in previous years, adding to the pressure parents feel to not disappoint children. Children may also be confused, stressed, or disappointed by these sometimes very extreme changes.

If domestic violence has been at a high enough risk, children may be staying with other family members or in foster homes. The holiday season emphasizes family connection and tradition, which makes it a particularly hard time of year for kids, parents, and extended family to adjust.

Single adults who recently made a major change in a primary relationship (like breaking up with an abusive partner) also feel the dissonance between their loneliness and what we all hope for during the holiday season.

Even victims of domestic violence who are older and have adult children feel these pressures to “not rock the boat” during holiday family gatherings. In fact it can be even more difficult for people who have been quietly sacrificing themselves, making it work in an abusive situation for decades. When they “suddenly” set boundaries that interfere with holiday plans they tend to get more guilt and pressure than the abusive partner does from unknowing relatives.

The holidays are often times when controlling people “escalate” or worsen their tactics because they are very aware that the people they seek to control and manipulate are vulnerable during these times. This applies to all holidays (birthdays, mother’s or father’s day, etc.) but the winter holiday season is very powerful due to how pervasive it is in our culture. Unlike a birthday or even Mother’s or Father’s Day, everyone seems to be celebrating this time of year and there is no escape from this message.

For families that are still together with the abuser during the holidays, victim parents feel a great deal of pressure to “hold everything together” and make the holidays good for their families.

New pets may be added to families during the holidays as well. Abusers use animals as leverage to control other household members by threatening to neglect, abandon, or abuse the pets if family members do not comply. Even if pets are not being directly abused the addition of animals makes it that much harder for victim parents to find housing and move while keeping the family pet safe.

These are only a few examples of how complicated the holidays can be for families and single adults of every age who have been affected by domestic violence. As advocates we need to remember that holidays may require extra self-care and personal safety planning. This applies to the risk not only of abuser escalation but also to our awareness of the emotional impact the holiday season can have.

To end on a positive note, I would add that the Holidays can return to the place where they are joyous and exciting for the people we serve. Many survivors of domestic violence get to the place in their journey with us where they are able to express pride and gratitude that they are able to have truly happy holidays for themselves and their families for perhaps the first time. Allowing parents to provide gifts for their children is a valuable contribution of our Christmas program. So is urging both parents and single adults to consider their own needs and recognize their own value during the holidays.

Please see our website at www.nextstepdvproject to view our Holiday Giving forms. You can also follow us on facebook to see updates and requests pertaining to the holiday season. Thanks!